Christmas Critters of Thedas
by The Glass-Writer
Summary: Imagine the Christmas Critters episode of South Park, but in Thedas. May not be the cleverest work ever written, but I just thought it would be funny. Enjoy! Or don't.


_I do not own Dragon Age. If I did, Aveline would be a romance opition.  
While I'm at it, I don't own South Park either. If I did, I would kill Cartman._

Christmas Critters of Thedas

Way up in the mountains in a small little town, the square was being decorated all up and down. People stood in long lines, some waiting hours or more, because Christmas needs to be bought in a store. But out in the woods, not too far away, the forest critters were preparing for _their_ Christmas day…

_It's almost time when the time is here!_

_The time that's only once a year!_

_We can hardly wait 'cuz it's so near!_

_A Woodland Critter Christmas!_

The little critters worked hard as they happily sang, and each one of them had a quite interesting name. There was Squirrelly the Squirrel, Rabbity the Rabbit, Beavery the Beaver, and Beary the Bear. Porcupiney the Porcupine, Skunky the Skunk, Foxy the Fox, and Deery the Deer. Woodpeckery the Woodpecker, Mousey the Mouse, and Chickadee-y the Chickadee, all made the forest their house. And on that magical day, gazing on in shock, was a surprised Fereldan mage, an apostate named Hawke…

"What the hell?!"

"Well hello there!" The critters called as they gathered around the startled Champion. "How do you like our Christmas tree?" they asked.

"Um…it's nice…" Hawke answered.

"Why, it's the most beautiful Christmas tree in all the forest!" proclaimed Beavery with a proud smile.

"Oh no! I see a problem!"

"What is it, Mousey?"

"Our tree doesn't have a star!"

"AWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"We can't have a tree with no star on it…"

"Now don't be down, y'all. Maybe our new friend can help us find a star."

The critters began yammering excitedly, asking if Hawke could indeed find them a star for their Christmas tree.

"Okay, okay!"

And so using some paper and working with glee, the mage named Hawke made a star for the tree. The critters cheered and asked with a smile, "How would you like to sing and dance with us for a while?" The mage named Hawke smiled and said-

"Uh, no thanks. I'm going home."

"Well, goodbye then, Hawkey! Thanks for all your help!" the critters called.

Later on that night, Hawke was lay asleep in his bed when he suddenly heard a rustling noise inside of his room. Shooting fire into the lanterns around the room, Hawke saw the forest critters he helped earlier that day standing eagerly at the foot of his bed.

"HI, HAWKEY!"

"AH! What the?!" Hawke exclaimed.

His friends were all there! What a wonderful surprise! The Fereldan mage smiled with joy in his eyes!

"What the hell are you all doing here?!"

"You aren't gonna believe what happened, Hawke! It's the most magical Christmas gift ever! Porcupiney is pregnant!"

"You guys, I have to go help Varric investigate a haunted house tomorrow! I need my rest!"

"I deduce the Champion doesn't understand the seriousness of the fertilization!" said Mousey.

"Porcupiney is a virgin, Hawke! Her conception was immaculate," explained Deery.

"She's gonna give birth to our lord and savior!"

"…What?"

"Finally the critters are gonna have a savior of their very own! Of their very own!" piped up Chickadee-y.

"There's just one problem," interjected Squirelly. "We don't have a manger for our savior to be born in!"

"But we gotta have a manger…" said Beary.

"Can _you_ do it, Hawke? Can you build us a manger?" asked Rabbity.

Of course I'll build you a manger, the Champion replied as he winked at his critter friends and leapt to their side! And out in the woods, Hawke steamed right ahead, making a place for the critter babe to lay its sweet head…

"Aw shucks, if it ain't the nicest manger I ever saw!"

"Does this mean I can go home now?" asked Hawke.

"My son shall have the nicest bed in all the forest," said Porcupiney.

Suddenly, the group heard a loud growl. Turning towards the source of the noise, Hawke and the critters saw a Griffon leering menacingly at them before flying away, issuing an ear-splitting roar.

"Well, this is the end," said Foxy with a defeated tone. "The Griffon obviously knows Porcupiney is pregnant, and is gonna kill it again!"

"Again? What do you mean?" asked Hawke.

"Every Christmas, the Griffon eats the virgin critter impregnated with the son of our lord. We might as well face it. That Griffon will _never_ let our savior be born!"

"Hey! We shouldn't be upset _this_ Christmas! We've got the Champion!"

"Hey, that's right! If Hawke can kill the Arishok and build a manger, he can stop that mean ol' Griffon!" said Beavery as the other critters cheered their approval.

High up in the mountains on a snow covered peak, the mighty Griffon lived and preyed on the weak. For the critters to be saved that beast had to be stopped.

"Maker damn it, this is #$%& # ridiculous!"

-Said the Fereldan mage named Hawke. For killing a Griffon is no easy task. But he thought of a plan, and he thought of it fast!

"Sorry Griffon, but I really don't have time to dick around here. If killing you will make those Maker-damn critters leave me alone, then so be it!" said Hawke as he whipped out his infamous Murder Knife, jumped down on the Griffon from atop the mountain, and plunged the blade into the its head.

It happened in a flash! A victorious blow! The Griffon lay slain on the cold ground below.

Thinking it was over, Hawke was startled to see three baby griffons crawl out from behind a rock and gather around their fallen mother.

The young griffons gathered around their mother and cried, all alone in the world now that their mother had died…

"Oh, for the love of Andraste, you've gotta be kidding me!" Hawke said as he face-palmed, deep feelings of guilt and exasperation washing over him.

Meanwhile, back at the manger…

"Well, I'm afraid it's been much too long now. Our good friend Hawke must be very dead," said Beavery.

"I guess that means our savior is gonna be made into Savior Stew," said Rabbity dejectedly.

"Wait a minute, look!" Chickadee-y called as a figure stepped out of the brush.

"Hawke, it's you! You're alive!" exclaimed Squirrelly.

"But does that mean you killed the Griffon?" asked Beary.

"Yeah, it's dead. It won't be bothering you anymore," Hawke replied, still feeling ashamed of himself.

"He did it!" Squirrelly squealed. "Now our Critter Christmas can finally happen! HAIL DUMAT!"

"HAIL DUMAT!" the other critters cried.

"Wait…WHAT?!" exclaimed Hawke.

"You've done us a huge favor, Champion! Without that Griffon around, our Lady Porcupiney can give birth to an Archdemon!" said Beavery.

"Wait, an Archdemon?! You said she was giving birth to your lord and savior!" said Hawke.

"Yes, the son of our god, Dumat, Lord of Silence!" replied Skunky.

"But I thought you meant the son of the Maker!"

"Well think about it, Hawke. You don't think the Maker would have sex with a porcupine, do you?" said Deery.

"No, only Dumat, Lord of Silence and Keeper of Secret Wisdom would do such a thing, yes he would, oh yes he would!" chirped Chickadee-y.

"This is cause for celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!" said Beary.

"Yay, sacrifice me to Dumat!" cheered Rabbity as the other critters placed him on an altar. Hawke could only watch in horror as Beary produced a Sacrificial Dagger of Dumat and split Rabbity open, cutting his body into pieces and distributing them to the other critters. An air of merriment settled over the disturbing spectacle as Squirrelly called out, "BLOOD ORGY!" How Hawke kept his sanity and did not go blind after witnessing what came next is a mystery for the ages…

_A special time, a special day! It's Woodland Critter Christmas!  
HAIL DUMAT!_


End file.
